I’m going to move!

I’ve finally found an apartment I am going to move to! It about double the size of my current one and I’ll finally have a kitchen I can sit in. And most important of all, I will have a bedroom. No more having to share bedroom/kitchen/living room in the same room, finally some much needed space!
That also means I can start decorate the new apartment, those three years I’ve lived in my current one has felt like no one has really lived here.
I have had nothing on my walls, nothing in my windows, it has been very barren. Mostly because I took this apartment to settle down and move right away, things didn’t go like planed and I was stuck for three years. But now I can live! And it is going to show, I’m looking around for furniture and videogames posters to frame and hang on my walls. It is going to be so much better.

I’ll have access to the new apartment in February, so I’m really looking forward to that. Now I need to save all money I can, it’s not cheap moving. With all the costs that usually arise with moving, like transferring my internet provider to the new address and stuff like that. I’ve already packed down a bunch on games and stuff, no need for it to be up right now. Since I know I won’t have time to play them and I like to be well prepared. Even it it is three months in advance, I don’t want to deal with eventual stressfulness that can appear at that time. So I want things to be ready, I’m going to pack more in the coming weeks. And throw away old junk I don’t want to have anymore.

So I’m looking forward to this, for many reasons. One and the most important for me is space right now, I feel claustrophobic in my current apartment. And another reason is now it will be easier to have friends over. This is going to be great, at least I hope it will be.

Revenging the past

Hehe, the title might sound worse than it really is. The meaning with revenging is that I finally took care of a game that has been in my backlog since I started to play JRPG’s. A game that has been bugging me for years, a game I played when I was very new to JRPG’s and I couldn’t finish it. That game is Suikoden 1 for the PlayStation. So that felt very great, I did actually manage to get to the last boss when I played the game all those years ago. But I could never beat him, guess that’s what it’s like being new at something. Because he was no match for me, I took him down fairly easy. I’m almost disappointed in how easy it was and I don’t think I was overleveled either. Around level 57 with most of the characters I used.

A few hours into the game And here we are at the end

And speaking of the past, today I have my 8th anniversary on WordPress. I started writing in the beginning of 2006, on Blogger and Livejournal. Sadly I forgot to save those early posts when I moved around to different blogs. So I’ve been writing for about 9years all in all, but what exactly does this have to do with the past? Well you see I started writing blogs as a way for me to went my feelings and stuff, since it was hard talking about various things with friends and others not being so understanding of my problems and condition. And I loved videogames, so I thought “Why the hell not write about what’s bothering me and what I love”?
I don’t write for anyone else but me, if others want to read and comment that is just a big bonus. But I do this so I can feel good. I can release my dark thoughts in text and get them out of my head, I haven’t written about everything. But pretty much and it has really helpt me to let go of some stuff.

So I am going to continue writing as long as I enjoy doing it and as long as it helps me, I do wish I took my times with some of my posts sometimes and made them bigger and better for other to read. But hey, as I said I’m writing for myself first and foremost. But who knows what will happen in the future?
I would like to write more about the anime shows I’m watching and go a bit more in depth in videogames, but then again we’ll see. Would that be something you would be interested in reading?

Den där tiden på året…

Nu är vi här igen, denna tiden på året. Då man nästan ska tvingas vara glad och allt ska vara så otroligt bra. För mig och många andra är det en hemsk tid, som istället för att fylla en med glädje fyller en med obehag och tomma känslor och annat som man inte ska behöva känna. Det var många år sedan jag verkligen tyckte om julen och att den gav mig något annat än depression och jobbiga känslor. Min kärlek till julen dog för många år sedan, kanske var det all jävla repetition, samma sak detta året som förra och så vidare. Eller den där falskheten som kryper fram i folk. Folk man inte träffat sedan förra julen är helt plötsligt ens bästa vänner och saker ska bli annorlunda och man ska träffas och umgås mer. När nästa jul kommer är det samma sak.

Time for ToS: Dawn of The New World!

After finishing Tales of Xillia 2 I was thinking of taking a break from JRPG’s, but then I started doing a bunch of extra sidequests and stuff. So I though I should play Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of The New World instead of just grinding levels in a game I’ve already beaten. Sure I have more to do in it to get “everything”, but right now I’d much rather focus on games I haven’t played.

Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality

I have heard a lot of negative stuff about this game, but it won’t keep me from playing it and to form my own opinion of the game. I have played a few hours of it before on the Wii, but I wasn’t to fond of the controlls. It feelt a bit weird to me and since I am playing the PlayStation 3 version of the game I can play with a controller I like. Not saying it was bad, it just didn’t work for me.

I really like the graphical style, I almost wish the first Symphonia game was remade with these models. I like the more vibrant colors of the game, it is almost like a cartoon. I’m not a fan of monsters taking the place of real characters in the game. You have Emil, Martha, monsters and sometimes you get guest characters that are the old characters from the first game.

I had forgotten what a bunch of assholes the people of Luin are in this game. Emil’s parents was killed by “Lloyd” and he of course hates him for that and because he has an opinion different from all the others in Luin he is treated like shit. It almost makes my blood boil! Mostly because bullying like that sadly excists for real and it pains me. I myself have been treated like I wasn’t worth jack shit, so I really feel for Emil here. Thank god he has Martha at least and she is a breath of fresh air. I really like how open with how she feels about Emil. Not many characters are so open with whom they love in games, so I really like this. Tenebrae is also a great character and will probably get even better/funnier the more I progress through the game. I’m looking forward to see more of the characters.

I’m not sure what the game will give me or what lies ahead for me. Let’s see if I like the game or if I will become of those who dislike it. I don’t think I will though, from what I’ve played I lile it and I take it for what it is.

I’ve really been down…

This past month I haven’t been feeling well at all, I’ve had one depression after another. Its been on full alert so to say, so many bad thoughts so many bad memories resurfaced. All the bullying I went through in school, it all came rushing back in an instant and really brought me to my knees. I’ve hid this for the most of time for my friends, since I didn’t want to be a bother… But last week I let some of it out, it’s hard to suffer from deep depression it takes all the energy you have left and leaves you like an empty shell.
Sadly none of the medications I’ve taken has helped much, might have worked a bit but I have not felt better in the slightest. I’ve hardly set foot outside of my apartment, aside from going to work. I really can’t handle people right now. Which is a bit ironic since work has been the only thing that has been holding me together and I’m with people all the time there, but I guess they’ve noticed I haven’t been myself.

So keeping myself preoccupied with work has worked the best far, sure it hasn’t been a walk in the park there either. But at least I can get away from all the stuff in my head, all the over flowing thoughts and feeling of emptiness and pain. But I’m slowly making my way back now, actually got a phone call today that really managed to lift my spirit. Not going to go into it to much since its work related, but I got told I’ve been doing a good job and was asked to help another person. Because I sure of what I was doing in my work as an instructor and this person said more good things. But she really lifted my spirit and that helped me a great bit. Sure I’m still in the passing phase of being swallowed in my depression and feeling somewhat good, but I’ll take it.
Hopefully I can start feeling much better again and hopefully I won’t have a depression as big or tiresome as this one has been, but I always get like this around Christmas time and it takes a while to shake off.

Thanks to all this, my phobia for large groups of people had really grown. I need to start from scratch again and slowly work my way up to a comfortable level of people I don’t know… This is my I’m considering skipping out on Sci-Fi Mässan this year, because I’m not sure I can handle the people and I might get a panic attack or worse. I don’t want to go though those things, but I’d like to go too… But what can you do when phobias and stuff get in your way? I wish it was as easy as just saying, fuck you phobia I’m going. But sadly it is not, if this isn’t getting better I’m canceling any plans I had to travel this summer. I really can’t handle the stress I feel with traveling, especially to new places and new people, even if we’ve know each other for a long time on the internet but never met before.
But nothing it certain, but so far just thinking of it makes me dizzy and feel unwell. I know I hoped to meet a bunch of people this year, but unless I can get over this I really am sorry. There is no way for me, and no way I want to go though all those hurdles and feel like shit. If you want to block me or not talk to me anymore because of that, I understand. But hopefully you all can understand how hard this is for me and its my biggest problem and will always be something I have to wrestle with.

The ups and downs…

For the last two days I have not been feeling well. An even now I am feeling down, it happens when I am alone… And especially when I am waiting for something, like I am waiting for Tales of Xillia to get released…

You can think what the hell you want, I for one aren’t enjoying this. I hate that I can’t control this. I hate that a simple thing as waiting for highly anticipated game can bring me down like this. And when this spiral of emotions start to spin, the bad stuff from the past comes back. I just wish more of my friends could try to understand how much stuff like this really effects me. But some of them don’t seem to give a flying fuck or try to understand.

Ugh. Well on one better bit my friend ZX-Omega and I went to Åhus to eat ice cream yesterday (Tuesday). I really needed to get out and away from myself. I am so thankful to you for that. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one who does get me or at least tries. Thank you for being there.

Today (Wednesday) was a somewhat better day. Not a super good one, but better. And I hope it will only get better from here. Sorry for all the damn rambling. I just needed to get those thoughts out of my head. Next post will be a more happy one..

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Lunar SSH, not what I hoped…

I’ve been playing RPGs now since 1999 and it all started with Lunar Silver Star Story for Playstation 1. I have said this a thousand times, that it was my very first jrpg. And love at first sight, everything was so new to me and it felt great. I had a very hard time at that point in my life, I didn’t know if I wanted to continue living… It was bad, but Lunar SSSC changed that for a bit. I found the adventures that jrpg had to be most filling, at least filling a part if me that continued to cary on. So the Lunar series helped me with some of my problems, so it is indeed a very important game for me.

That is why I am mostly dissapointed with the PSP remake, that came out a couple of years ago. I think ut was also released on IOS fairly recently. I was sad from the start that Gaijin Works (used to be Working Designs) had nothing to do with this new English translation. It really missed all the good stuff, the new voiceactors are trrible in their roles. And I do like the voiceactors, very much so. But not for the characters or Lunar, I feel like they are missing their soul, or something like that.
The PSP version is too easy, I’ve never had any trouble getting through the game. And I did it fast to, it tiok me 22hours… Now this could just have been because the PS1 game was my first jrpg, but it took me 61hours to complete. And I was about 20-30levels higher than I was when facing the last boss in the Ps1 version and I still had problems with him. While I was around level 44 now and beat him with ease.
This can be me having gained more experience in the genre, but I was so dissapointed with the clear time and how easy the boss fell. Now I only feel sad, I do not like this remake. And now I am afraid to play the PS1 version again, I rather have my memory of it being the game I love, than it ending up dissapointing me.

Maybe I have outgrown the series, maybe its just a really crappy remake. Maybe the PS1 version is equally as bad? I honestly don’t want to think so and I don’t want to find out. I’ll keep the warm memory of the game untarnished and continue to love it like I used to. I’m not picking up the PSP version again at least.
Ahh… I really needed to clear my head from all these thoughts.