What is love? Baby, you hurt me.

For once its not a post of videogames, I have to make one of these from time to time. I have been thinking a whole lot about this in the past weeks and now I just have to get it out of my system.

They say love is powerful and can be magical, it a wonderful and awesome thing. But how do you handle love when you don’t understand it? There are a lot of people, if not all who doesn’t understand love. But for me with my problems of not understanding my emotions, this is extra hard. I think I’ve been in love once, it was a long long time ago. I was just a kid in middle school (lågstadiet) and there was this girl I like no loved I think. I felt something really strong for her, something I’ve never felt about anyone else. But she ruined me, she made it impossible for me to feel anything like that again. I’m afraid, her reply to my love letter I wrote (I’m coming to it) has really fucked me up good. This together with being bullied in most of my school years made me close of what emotions I had. And now about 15-16 years later I still can’t seem to unravel my emotions, they are fucked up.

Well yeah, as any person who is afraid to confront someone directly I wrote a sappy love letter. Along the line of, “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Just seeing you makes me happy and brightens my day.” Stuff like that, nothing in appropriate or hurtful. So after much debating on how to give it to her, I put it in her locker. And here is the part where went straight to hell. She found the letter, I didn’t write is was from me. But her reaction to reading it is that she starts crying. Not happy crying, but hurtful disgusted crying. Her friends asked me if I wrote it, being in shock of that reaction from her I said no. But they apparently knew, so already being the “weird” kid with hobbies like no one else had and having a hard time, things got worse.
No girl in my entire class would speak to me anymore. Can you even imagine what that did to a little kid? A kid who already had problems he didn’t understand and could deal with. Now had to suffer through this shit too?! I really regret writing that letter, its made my life terrible and I’m afraid to trust and love people.

Some say I should get over it since it happened long ago. True, but how do you fix something like this? I have been scared of women ever since, I’m afraid to get close and talk because I think I’ll get rejected. I have some really great female friends right now, but I have this constant fear of loosing their friendship. If I show who I am, they will all leave. But then again, I have that fear even when it comes to my male friends.
The reason why I can understand feeling well is because I have a diagnose. I can flip out at times when I get to excited. I have problems with concentration and knowing what I feel and how to react to it. There are probably more stuff that I don’t know about, but I might make a post about that later. So people might understand me better.

This is also one of the main reasons I hide my fears when talking about women with my friends. I can get very sexual in those talks, but that’s the scared little boy talking. I don’t want to let people in, since I’m afraid and I don’t know how to handle it. Like Elza from Disney’s Frozen I “Conceal, don’t feel. Put on a show”. So I cover it up with crude humor and stuff, my friends now how I can be. But know they’ll also know why, I have actually never told them before.

So how as a 30 year old do you deal with this? I’m to afraid to try and meet someone. I’m afraid they’ll leave when they get to know the real me. I’m a videogame, anime loving person, who also suffer from social phobia and are afraid of being rejected by everyone.
Well this turned out to be a long post, but it feels better having gotten some of it out. Just writing it here make it feel a bit better, but it doesn’t take away the problem. But hopefully I deal with them slowly. I apologize if there are a lot of misspellings and stuff, I’m writing this from my mobile. So I’ll have to clean it up later, I just wanted to get this out.

I’ve really been down…

This past month I haven’t been feeling well at all, I’ve had one depression after another. Its been on full alert so to say, so many bad thoughts so many bad memories resurfaced. All the bullying I went through in school, it all came rushing back in an instant and really brought me to my knees. I’ve hid this for the most of time for my friends, since I didn’t want to be a bother… But last week I let some of it out, it’s hard to suffer from deep depression it takes all the energy you have left and leaves you like an empty shell.
Sadly none of the medications I’ve taken has helped much, might have worked a bit but I have not felt better in the slightest. I’ve hardly set foot outside of my apartment, aside from going to work. I really can’t handle people right now. Which is a bit ironic since work has been the only thing that has been holding me together and I’m with people all the time there, but I guess they’ve noticed I haven’t been myself.

So keeping myself preoccupied with work has worked the best far, sure it hasn’t been a walk in the park there either. But at least I can get away from all the stuff in my head, all the over flowing thoughts and feeling of emptiness and pain. But I’m slowly making my way back now, actually got a phone call today that really managed to lift my spirit. Not going to go into it to much since its work related, but I got told I’ve been doing a good job and was asked to help another person. Because I sure of what I was doing in my work as an instructor and this person said more good things. But she really lifted my spirit and that helped me a great bit. Sure I’m still in the passing phase of being swallowed in my depression and feeling somewhat good, but I’ll take it.
Hopefully I can start feeling much better again and hopefully I won’t have a depression as big or tiresome as this one has been, but I always get like this around Christmas time and it takes a while to shake off.

Thanks to all this, my phobia for large groups of people had really grown. I need to start from scratch again and slowly work my way up to a comfortable level of people I don’t know… This is my I’m considering skipping out on Sci-Fi Mässan this year, because I’m not sure I can handle the people and I might get a panic attack or worse. I don’t want to go though those things, but I’d like to go too… But what can you do when phobias and stuff get in your way? I wish it was as easy as just saying, fuck you phobia I’m going. But sadly it is not, if this isn’t getting better I’m canceling any plans I had to travel this summer. I really can’t handle the stress I feel with traveling, especially to new places and new people, even if we’ve know each other for a long time on the internet but never met before.
But nothing it certain, but so far just thinking of it makes me dizzy and feel unwell. I know I hoped to meet a bunch of people this year, but unless I can get over this I really am sorry. There is no way for me, and no way I want to go though all those hurdles and feel like shit. If you want to block me or not talk to me anymore because of that, I understand. But hopefully you all can understand how hard this is for me and its my biggest problem and will always be something I have to wrestle with.