Bullied and the scars it leaves…

You might have seen my previous post where I opened up pretty much about my experience with love and my fears about it. And I said I was probably going to tackle my time being bullied and how it’s affected me, how it hurt and made my life terrible for me and how I have to deal with all that daily. It’s a scar that heals slowly, so incredible slow. But one day I can get over all this and live without my problems.
I’m not writing this to seek sympathy from people, I’m writing this because I need to get this shit out. It is eating me up inside and I need to get some thoughts out.

I’ve always been a weird one, I’ve liked stuff no one other around me liked. I’ve always been “special” according to people. Well I have a mild diagnose of ADHD and had a hard time grasping stuff at a young age, that filled me with a rage I don’t miss. It was because I was hyperactive and I couldn’t burn the energy, I had trouble focusing on one thing. I still have these problems, that I’m still so hyper at times that I fall into depression and I can do nothing about it. I want to do hundred things, but I can never start anything. Sometimes if I have conversations with my friends I can space out and totally loose the conversation, its hard when it happens since I don’t want people to repeat themselves because I couldn’t focus. It also makes some parts of my work hard, because I can start spacing out and then forget what I was talking about. I still have periods when I get to excited where I seem to loose control and I can see what I am doing, but I have no control of it until I “cool down”. I hate when that happens, it feels like I’m not me… And it was only a few years ago I got my diagnose, so I could start trying to wrap my head around all the stuff I didn’t get. If you want to know more about ADHD google it.

The problem with all this was, that when I was young no one bother to check if I had a diagnose. I was just a problem child, who was a bit too wild perhaps. I started school a year later than everyone else in my age, since it didn’t work for me being in school. Because of my wild behavior I had a really hard time making friends, I didn’t know how to approach people and I guess kids didn’t want to be with me since I was a weirdo. There where some people who was with me on recesses, but nothing more than that. And not being able to make friends, really left a deep scar inside. I still carry that inside me, I am so afraid to meet new people and I’m afraid the ones I’ve met will leave me…
But at least one thing changed in 1994 I went to a school where I made my first friend, it was around this time Power Rangers was popular and me and my friend where about the only two people at school that where honest with liking the show. A classmate introduced us, I remember that day so well. He had just gotten a new toy from Biker Mice from Mars and he was showing it of to two classmates/friends, then I approached him and we started to talk about Power Rangers and stuff. And now 20 years later he is still one of my dearest and best friends, but I don’t think he understands how important this is to me. Since he doesn’t have my problems, I constantly worry that I’ll loose his friendship just because of my problems. The same goes for all other friends I have now, I’m so afraid of this.

After we have known each other for a few months, there where rumors about us being gay. Well we where both weird and liked cartoons and videogames and that was more of less a big fat no at our school. If you didn’t like cars and that shit, you where an outcast.
And then we where bullied for playing Power Rangers at school, in the past I regretted this so much, but now I think it was great. Now that I’ve written all this, I really noticed how hard it is to form the words I really want. So I’ll just skip some stuff I was going to write from the start.
I’ve been bullied hard in my life, hit, kicked and treated like I had the plague. Treated like I had the plague because of my psoriasis. So I developed social phobia and my depressions where getting worse and worse, to the point where I’ve tried to take my life two times. But I’m still here, so you can guess how that went. So to find some sort of escape, I started to eat. Eat and eat and I’m large today and that just keeps adding to the depression. It’s always something, but I hope I can start loosing weight soon. I’m going to start training and I hope it goes well, I want to be thin again. Well thinner at least, just that would do so much for me.

But there most have been some form of comfort in my life? Yes, I found comfort in videogames at an early age, its always been the constant thing in my life. Even when I didn’t have any friends I always had my games, that’s why videogames are so important and such a big part of my life. It is not just a hobby, I think of it as a big savior for me. It was a world I could turn to, it was a better world, to be a hero with friends who cares deeply for him. Cartoons and TV-shows was also a world I could escape too, and I still love cartoons today and watch as much anime as I can. Sure it wasn’t a solution, but it was what I had and still have. But perhaps people can understand why I post so much about games and I’ll continue to do so. Music has and is also a big part of my life, especially metal. It has given me power to carry on and fight, even if nothing works out for you. Never give up. I’ve been close to ending my life, I’ve had two failed attempts at ending it. I’m not sure I’ve even told my friends about that, but now you’ll know…

There has been a lot of other stuff I’ve had to deal with and the stuff I’ve written so far only covers 4 years of school life. There are 5 more years of school, problems, being bullied and thoughts of suicide. Then we have all the time outside of school and the years after it, the stuff I’ve had to deal with there. I don’t think I’ll go into any of that, at least not now. Just writing this brings back so many bad memories that I’m sitting here crying right now as I type this. Even with my life and the stuff I’ve had to endure, my life hasn’t been one big problem filled one. I’ve made friends, who I hope will always be there. I’ve gotten a job that has helped me get on my feet and be able to live without anyones help. It may sound like my parents haven’t been a big help for me, but that isn’t true. They have always been there, perhaps not always in the way I needed them to be. But despite what anyone thinks, nobody knows what we’ve gone through. Both good and bad stuff, so don’t judge.

I’ll just wrap this up by thanking all the people in my life, thank you for you are part of it. Friends, family and all those few individuals who has stayed with me and I hope you will stay with me. Even with all my problems, even the ones I can’t control. But hopefully you’ll know why it’s like that now, or at least try to understand. I have to stop writing now, it’s just to damn hard and I’m still sitting here with tears in my eyes and a bunch of bad memories bubbling up. Future posts will be much, much happier posts. Now that I’ve got this crap out of the way.

What is love? Baby, you hurt me.

For once its not a post of videogames, I have to make one of these from time to time. I have been thinking a whole lot about this in the past weeks and now I just have to get it out of my system.

They say love is powerful and can be magical, it a wonderful and awesome thing. But how do you handle love when you don’t understand it? There are a lot of people, if not all who doesn’t understand love. But for me with my problems of not understanding my emotions, this is extra hard. I think I’ve been in love once, it was a long long time ago. I was just a kid in middle school (lågstadiet) and there was this girl I like no loved I think. I felt something really strong for her, something I’ve never felt about anyone else. But she ruined me, she made it impossible for me to feel anything like that again. I’m afraid, her reply to my love letter I wrote (I’m coming to it) has really fucked me up good. This together with being bullied in most of my school years made me close of what emotions I had. And now about 15-16 years later I still can’t seem to unravel my emotions, they are fucked up.

Well yeah, as any person who is afraid to confront someone directly I wrote a sappy love letter. Along the line of, “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Just seeing you makes me happy and brightens my day.” Stuff like that, nothing in appropriate or hurtful. So after much debating on how to give it to her, I put it in her locker. And here is the part where went straight to hell. She found the letter, I didn’t write is was from me. But her reaction to reading it is that she starts crying. Not happy crying, but hurtful disgusted crying. Her friends asked me if I wrote it, being in shock of that reaction from her I said no. But they apparently knew, so already being the “weird” kid with hobbies like no one else had and having a hard time, things got worse.
No girl in my entire class would speak to me anymore. Can you even imagine what that did to a little kid? A kid who already had problems he didn’t understand and could deal with. Now had to suffer through this shit too?! I really regret writing that letter, its made my life terrible and I’m afraid to trust and love people.

Some say I should get over it since it happened long ago. True, but how do you fix something like this? I have been scared of women ever since, I’m afraid to get close and talk because I think I’ll get rejected. I have some really great female friends right now, but I have this constant fear of loosing their friendship. If I show who I am, they will all leave. But then again, I have that fear even when it comes to my male friends.
The reason why I can understand feeling well is because I have a diagnose. I can flip out at times when I get to excited. I have problems with concentration and knowing what I feel and how to react to it. There are probably more stuff that I don’t know about, but I might make a post about that later. So people might understand me better.

This is also one of the main reasons I hide my fears when talking about women with my friends. I can get very sexual in those talks, but that’s the scared little boy talking. I don’t want to let people in, since I’m afraid and I don’t know how to handle it. Like Elza from Disney’s Frozen I “Conceal, don’t feel. Put on a show”. So I cover it up with crude humor and stuff, my friends now how I can be. But know they’ll also know why, I have actually never told them before.

So how as a 30 year old do you deal with this? I’m to afraid to try and meet someone. I’m afraid they’ll leave when they get to know the real me. I’m a videogame, anime loving person, who also suffer from social phobia and are afraid of being rejected by everyone.
Well this turned out to be a long post, but it feels better having gotten some of it out. Just writing it here make it feel a bit better, but it doesn’t take away the problem. But hopefully I deal with them slowly. I apologize if there are a lot of misspellings and stuff, I’m writing this from my mobile. So I’ll have to clean it up later, I just wanted to get this out.

Hurting like a female dog

Things are not so good right now. I’m busted my back, it happened while working yesterday. Went to the doctor today and yeah, its busted. So right now I’m having trouble sitting and lying down. I can do both, but it hurts… And not the good kinda hurt mind you. One of the few times I can remember I’ve cried from the pain, it hurt like fucking hell. Going to get some painkillers tomorrow. So that’s about what I’m doing right now, trying not to feel pain.

I think now that I’m free for work, for some time. I’m gonna go over and make my list on what has been good this year. Like my favorite anime series, games and such stuff. I would really like to make a post about my favorite anime intros of 2011. So I think I’m going to check those out and see which ones I really like

Hero of the day. Nay! Month!

Stuff from HubbeMy friend Hubbe came to visit me today and be brought gifts, his brother is moving and he was getting rid of some old furniture.
So I thought I could maybe buy them cheap, but he was just going to throw them away so I got them. I really appreciate it man.
Sure I gotta admit the couch is not very attractive, but its actually pretty comfy. And I really can’t complain since it was a nice gesture and as I said I’m very thankful..
You can read the rest of the post, but its mostly just stuff that happened in the week.

I’ve been playing a whole lot of Trinity Universe for the Playstation 3 in the past week, it was pretty fun. But it got to repetitive in the end for me. Slow and with a battle system that could use some adjustments. Other than that, it was a good game. I’ll hopefully have the energy to finish it one day. So instead I chose to play Infamous, a game I started playing long ago but never finished. I’ll probably write more about that another time, but I really liked the game!

The end of last week just wasn’t my day, I was sick and I managed to get hurt two times on the same day. Firstly I tried to make something to eat while I was sick, not good. My concentration was not there, so I burned a bit of my hand. Nothing serious, but still hurt like hell! And finally when the hurt from the burn started to fade, a goddamn bee stung me on my finger. Of course on the same hand I had burned… Ouch, the bee sting actually hurt more. And I don’t see to be allergic to bee stings anyway, so it wasn’t all that wasteful of an experience. That and I’ll keep my flyswatter even closer to me from now on.