Last round! December is here.

So we are finally here, December. The last month of the year, just a few measly days left and we are entering a new year. Yeah, yeah I’m getting ahead of myself. First we’ll celebrate Christmas, not that I care for it. I think I say the same thing every year around this time. Starting to sound like a damn broken record, haha.
But seriously, it is great that there are people who enjoys this kind of stuff, I just wish they didn’t shove Christmas down you throat in the beginning of October. Stop premature Christmas decoration!

Like most of you know I love video games and I have for a long time, but have you ever fallen for someone in a video game? Like when you where younger, you fell for the hero because he/she was cool, great or just plain awesome? I recently thought about this and I remember my very first “videogame crush“. Can you guess who it was? If you thought KOS-MOS from Xenosaga, you are wrong. Good pick though. It is from an JRPG (surprise!) and it is among the first ones I played after Lunar Silver Star Story Complete. It is Rena Lanford from Star Ocean The Second Story. This was around when I was 17 myself, so around 14 years ago… Man now I feel a little old. So does anyone have a videogame crush? Don’t leave me hanging now. ;)

Still going strong with Tales of Hearts R, I played a whole lot this past weekend. To my big enjoyment. Hopefully I’ll be able to play anything this week, at least it won’t be anything on this coming weekend. I’m working and then I’m going to watch some tv-shows with Elden, from beginning to end! Marathon it, like always!

The best birthday present ever!

It will soon be the 27th October and that means I will turn 31. A year older and a year wiser as they might say, haha. Well not so sure about the last part, but at least older. And today I was moved, I’m still at a loss for expressing my gratitude.
My friends banded together and got me something I’ve wanted for a long, long time. Or rather I wanted to regain something that I lost a long time ago. This year marks 20years since I got the Green Ranger’s Dragon Dagger for Christmas and my friends got me the Legacy Dragon Dagger. And my emotions are all over the damn place! The original Dragon Dagger was my favorite Power Rangers toy when I was a child and I’ve always loved to, so to finally have it again has made me happy beyond words. I really can’t express how I feel, but hopefully I can get though a bit more in the second episode of YazTalks.

What is love? Baby, you hurt me.

For once its not a post of videogames, I have to make one of these from time to time. I have been thinking a whole lot about this in the past weeks and now I just have to get it out of my system.

They say love is powerful and can be magical, it a wonderful and awesome thing. But how do you handle love when you don’t understand it? There are a lot of people, if not all who doesn’t understand love. But for me with my problems of not understanding my emotions, this is extra hard. I think I’ve been in love once, it was a long long time ago. I was just a kid in middle school (lågstadiet) and there was this girl I like no loved I think. I felt something really strong for her, something I’ve never felt about anyone else. But she ruined me, she made it impossible for me to feel anything like that again. I’m afraid, her reply to my love letter I wrote (I’m coming to it) has really fucked me up good. This together with being bullied in most of my school years made me close of what emotions I had. And now about 15-16 years later I still can’t seem to unravel my emotions, they are fucked up.

Well yeah, as any person who is afraid to confront someone directly I wrote a sappy love letter. Along the line of, “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Just seeing you makes me happy and brightens my day.” Stuff like that, nothing in appropriate or hurtful. So after much debating on how to give it to her, I put it in her locker. And here is the part where went straight to hell. She found the letter, I didn’t write is was from me. But her reaction to reading it is that she starts crying. Not happy crying, but hurtful disgusted crying. Her friends asked me if I wrote it, being in shock of that reaction from her I said no. But they apparently knew, so already being the “weird” kid with hobbies like no one else had and having a hard time, things got worse.
No girl in my entire class would speak to me anymore. Can you even imagine what that did to a little kid? A kid who already had problems he didn’t understand and could deal with. Now had to suffer through this shit too?! I really regret writing that letter, its made my life terrible and I’m afraid to trust and love people.

Some say I should get over it since it happened long ago. True, but how do you fix something like this? I have been scared of women ever since, I’m afraid to get close and talk because I think I’ll get rejected. I have some really great female friends right now, but I have this constant fear of loosing their friendship. If I show who I am, they will all leave. But then again, I have that fear even when it comes to my male friends.
The reason why I can understand feeling well is because I have a diagnose. I can flip out at times when I get to excited. I have problems with concentration and knowing what I feel and how to react to it. There are probably more stuff that I don’t know about, but I might make a post about that later. So people might understand me better.

This is also one of the main reasons I hide my fears when talking about women with my friends. I can get very sexual in those talks, but that’s the scared little boy talking. I don’t want to let people in, since I’m afraid and I don’t know how to handle it. Like Elza from Disney’s Frozen I “Conceal, don’t feel. Put on a show”. So I cover it up with crude humor and stuff, my friends now how I can be. But know they’ll also know why, I have actually never told them before.

So how as a 30 year old do you deal with this? I’m to afraid to try and meet someone. I’m afraid they’ll leave when they get to know the real me. I’m a videogame, anime loving person, who also suffer from social phobia and are afraid of being rejected by everyone.
Well this turned out to be a long post, but it feels better having gotten some of it out. Just writing it here make it feel a bit better, but it doesn’t take away the problem. But hopefully I deal with them slowly. I apologize if there are a lot of misspellings and stuff, I’m writing this from my mobile. So I’ll have to clean it up later, I just wanted to get this out.

Do climbing sheep dream of Catherine?

I had my eyes set on Catherine for some time, it seemed to be a fairly interesting game. While I wasn’t very interested in the puzzle aspect of the game, I decided to give it a whirl. The game had gotten a bunch of praises from people who had played it, so I started dreaming and started climbing.

What can you call this game? A puzzle, climbing horror game? No idea, but that’s about the gist of it. I wanted to play the game for the story. It start with Vincent a regular Joe, with a regular job. His girlfriend since way back, Katherine (yeah, with a K) wants to move on. She wants to get married, but Vincent thinks are fine the way they are. And he becomes a bit pressured and stressed about the future. He doesn’t want things to change and that is where he meets Catherine. He “accidentally” cheats on his girlfriend and from there on it’s just a road of lies and trouble ahead. This is also the part where I started to hate Vincent.
Either way, he starts having nightmares where he has to climb blocks to reach a goal. If you die in this dream, you die for real.

It pretty fun and a bit disgusting to see how Vincent tries to handle the mess he got him into. I really enjoyed the story, I won’t go into it anymore. I don’t want to spoil anything for people who want to play it. As I said I played it for the story and got a sweet game! I’m not to fond of the puzzles or should I say game play. Some where fun others not, hard to say something other about it. It was a nice experience, I’m glad I played it.

Catherine to the left and Katherine, Vincent’s girlfriend to the right. Who would you pick? Katherine all the way for me!

Why do I have to feel?

A few days ago I discovered something I wish I hadn’t, I realized that I still seem to have feelings for a girl I went to the same class with in school. She was not interested in me in anyway and I didn’t make any more advances on her. And I fell into depression at the time, I couldn’t stop think about her. Well, life goes on and I’ve been thinking about her from time to time. Then one day while I was working, I saw a girl that reminded me of her. It wasn’t her, but that’s when I started to hurt… I realized I still felt something for her.
Is that even possible? I could never stop thinking about her in the past, she is also to date the only girl I’ve had feelings for. I haven’t met anyone that made me feel like I did back then.

I haven’t seen her in years and my feelings seemed to be just as strong as before, but she rejected me horribly. And it made school even more awkward for me. Like I didn’t have trouble with other shit, then this came along and made stuff worse. It just feels weird to have feelings for this girl, I had let all feelings go and turned stone cold. So why the hell am I feeling stuff now? I really don’t understand human emotions well and this is just confusing me.
I had hoped to get more out than this, but I have a really hard time expressing myself when it comes to opening up my feelings. I’ve kept all kinds of feelings bottled up, I couldn’t cry in the past. But know I can cry for the tiniest thing, its so damn weird. I’m oversensitive…

She was my first love and seems to be just about the only love I’ve had. 15 years or so has passed since I last saw her and I have never met anyone or even gotten the feeling of loving someone. The thing is I’m not a believer of love and stuff like that, but still I feel this way. Yeah… A lot of ramblings this time, but I needed to get some of it of my chest.

How my love for JRPGs started

I like a verity of different genres. Actions, stealth, & platform genres was always a big interest for me. But there was always something genres that I hated. I’ve never liked FPS, sport or driving games and one of the genres I hated the most where RPGs.I tried a bunch of different sorts of RPG’s but none of them where good. Then some friends and just about everyone else started going nuts over the newly released
Final Fantasy VII
. So I tried it and of course… I did not enjoy it one bit and with that I decided to give the genre a rest, I was done! I just hated it.Now we are in the middle of 1999 and I hadn’t touched an RPG, but I had grown a bigger interest in anime. And had gotten the chance to see the anime series

Magic Knights Rayearth. It was a show that was very influenced by RPG and fantasy. So I started to watch it and grew to like the series more and more. I also felt a stronger urge to try some RPGs again and I got the chance later when I got a friend to lend me Lunar Silver Star Story Complete for the Playstation 1.

3D Dot Game Hero! So much love!

As some of you might know, I’m head over heels for the game, 3D Dot Game Hero. Also known as “Lego Zelda” by people on the internet. The game has a very Zelda/Dragon Quest style to it. Perhaps that’s why I’m so interested about it. That and it looks really nice! Especially in this day and age when it feels games have to be photo-realistic. Well mostly games, so its nice to see people trying to make something “retro”. This is actually one of my most eagerly awaited games.
I really hope it will come outside of Japan, or at least if the Asian version features English text. Next month when its released in Japan we will know.

3D Dot Game Heroes 3D Dot Game Heroes

The game is Playstation 3 exclusive. A bit of a shame, since I think everyone should get a chance to play this. But then again, having an exclusive like this makes me really glad I have a PS3. The game will also feature a create mode, where you can edit the hero you are playing. Or if you are up to it, make a whole new hero!
The game is said to be about 25-35hours long, something I liked to hear.

3D Dot Game Heroes 3D Dot Game Heroes

Here is a taste of the games soundtrack/background music. Just right click and “Save as”.
BGM1 | BGM2 | BGM3 | BGM4