For once its not a post of videogames, I have to make one of these from time to time. I have been thinking a whole lot about this in the past weeks and now I just have to get it out of my system.
They say love is powerful and can be magical, it a wonderful and awesome thing. But how do you handle love when you don’t understand it? There are a lot of people, if not all who doesn’t understand love. But for me with my problems of not understanding my emotions, this is extra hard. I think I’ve been in love once, it was a long long time ago. I was just a kid in middle school (lågstadiet) and there was this girl I like no loved I think. I felt something really strong for her, something I’ve never felt about anyone else. But she ruined me, she made it impossible for me to feel anything like that again. I’m afraid, her reply to my love letter I wrote (I’m coming to it) has really fucked me up good. This together with being bullied in most of my school years made me close of what emotions I had. And now about 15-16 years later I still can’t seem to unravel my emotions, they are fucked up.
Well yeah, as any person who is afraid to confront someone directly I wrote a sappy love letter. Along the line of, “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Just seeing you makes me happy and brightens my day.” Stuff like that, nothing in appropriate or hurtful. So after much debating on how to give it to her, I put it in her locker. And here is the part where went straight to hell. She found the letter, I didn’t write is was from me. But her reaction to reading it is that she starts crying. Not happy crying, but hurtful disgusted crying. Her friends asked me if I wrote it, being in shock of that reaction from her I said no. But they apparently knew, so already being the “weird” kid with hobbies like no one else had and having a hard time, things got worse.
No girl in my entire class would speak to me anymore. Can you even imagine what that did to a little kid? A kid who already had problems he didn’t understand and could deal with. Now had to suffer through this shit too?! I really regret writing that letter, its made my life terrible and I’m afraid to trust and love people.
Some say I should get over it since it happened long ago. True, but how do you fix something like this? I have been scared of women ever since, I’m afraid to get close and talk because I think I’ll get rejected. I have some really great female friends right now, but I have this constant fear of loosing their friendship. If I show who I am, they will all leave. But then again, I have that fear even when it comes to my male friends.
The reason why I can understand feeling well is because I have a diagnose. I can flip out at times when I get to excited. I have problems with concentration and knowing what I feel and how to react to it. There are probably more stuff that I don’t know about, but I might make a post about that later. So people might understand me better.
This is also one of the main reasons I hide my fears when talking about women with my friends. I can get very sexual in those talks, but that’s the scared little boy talking. I don’t want to let people in, since I’m afraid and I don’t know how to handle it. Like Elza from Disney’s Frozen I “Conceal, don’t feel. Put on a show”. So I cover it up with crude humor and stuff, my friends now how I can be. But know they’ll also know why, I have actually never told them before.
So how as a 30 year old do you deal with this? I’m to afraid to try and meet someone. I’m afraid they’ll leave when they get to know the real me. I’m a videogame, anime loving person, who also suffer from social phobia and are afraid of being rejected by everyone.
Well this turned out to be a long post, but it feels better having gotten some of it out. Just writing it here make it feel a bit better, but it doesn’t take away the problem. But hopefully I deal with them slowly. I apologize if there are a lot of misspellings and stuff, I’m writing this from my mobile. So I’ll have to clean it up later, I just wanted to get this out.
It has been while since my last post, been busy with my work. We’ve had some extra stuff to do because of some of my work buddies still are on vacation. But they should all be back on this upcoming monday, so I am glad everything will return to normal.
I’ve been reading a lot of Deadpool comics, god I love Deadpool. Without a doubt one of my favorite comic characters, was going to write heroes but that wouldn’t be right. Just as it wouldn’t be right to call him a villian. He is just awesome! Very, very awesome. I am so looking forward to the Deadpool videogame. And when we are on the subject of games I am hyped for Tuesday. Since Darksiders II will finally be released, I am gonna hurry home from work so I can play it.
Last but not least I have started a new video project, it will be a fan trailer. That’s all the info I am willing to part with right now. Since I haven’t gotten all the stuff right yet and if everything falls into place I hope I’ll have the video finished in no time, or soonish at least.
Hoping this turns out well, if it does it will be the first of my trailers I will have finished. If I blow it with this trailer I will what I was trying to do.
Oh, god I can’t wait until tomorrow. Its a day I’ve been waiting for a very long time. You can probably guess what it is, but I still won’t say it.
I’ll be posting an update first thing tomorrow morning. Just hope I can get some sleep tonight, I always have problems sleeping when I’m looking forward to something.
About 10 hours left before the surprise…