Bullied and the scars it leaves…

You might have seen my previous post where I opened up pretty much about my experience with love and my fears about it. And I said I was probably going to tackle my time being bullied and how it’s affected me, how it hurt and made my life terrible for me and how I have to deal with all that daily. It’s a scar that heals slowly, so incredible slow. But one day I can get over all this and live without my problems.
I’m not writing this to seek sympathy from people, I’m writing this because I need to get this shit out. It is eating me up inside and I need to get some thoughts out.

I’ve always been a weird one, I’ve liked stuff no one other around me liked. I’ve always been “special” according to people. Well I have a mild diagnose of ADHD and had a hard time grasping stuff at a young age, that filled me with a rage I don’t miss. It was because I was hyperactive and I couldn’t burn the energy, I had trouble focusing on one thing. I still have these problems, that I’m still so hyper at times that I fall into depression and I can do nothing about it. I want to do hundred things, but I can never start anything. Sometimes if I have conversations with my friends I can space out and totally loose the conversation, its hard when it happens since I don’t want people to repeat themselves because I couldn’t focus. It also makes some parts of my work hard, because I can start spacing out and then forget what I was talking about. I still have periods when I get to excited where I seem to loose control and I can see what I am doing, but I have no control of it until I “cool down”. I hate when that happens, it feels like I’m not me… And it was only a few years ago I got my diagnose, so I could start trying to wrap my head around all the stuff I didn’t get. If you want to know more about ADHD google it.

The problem with all this was, that when I was young no one bother to check if I had a diagnose. I was just a problem child, who was a bit too wild perhaps. I started school a year later than everyone else in my age, since it didn’t work for me being in school. Because of my wild behavior I had a really hard time making friends, I didn’t know how to approach people and I guess kids didn’t want to be with me since I was a weirdo. There where some people who was with me on recesses, but nothing more than that. And not being able to make friends, really left a deep scar inside. I still carry that inside me, I am so afraid to meet new people and I’m afraid the ones I’ve met will leave me…
But at least one thing changed in 1994 I went to a school where I made my first friend, it was around this time Power Rangers was popular and me and my friend where about the only two people at school that where honest with liking the show. A classmate introduced us, I remember that day so well. He had just gotten a new toy from Biker Mice from Mars and he was showing it of to two classmates/friends, then I approached him and we started to talk about Power Rangers and stuff. And now 20 years later he is still one of my dearest and best friends, but I don’t think he understands how important this is to me. Since he doesn’t have my problems, I constantly worry that I’ll loose his friendship just because of my problems. The same goes for all other friends I have now, I’m so afraid of this.

After we have known each other for a few months, there where rumors about us being gay. Well we where both weird and liked cartoons and videogames and that was more of less a big fat no at our school. If you didn’t like cars and that shit, you where an outcast.
And then we where bullied for playing Power Rangers at school, in the past I regretted this so much, but now I think it was great. Now that I’ve written all this, I really noticed how hard it is to form the words I really want. So I’ll just skip some stuff I was going to write from the start.
I’ve been bullied hard in my life, hit, kicked and treated like I had the plague. Treated like I had the plague because of my psoriasis. So I developed social phobia and my depressions where getting worse and worse, to the point where I’ve tried to take my life two times. But I’m still here, so you can guess how that went. So to find some sort of escape, I started to eat. Eat and eat and I’m large today and that just keeps adding to the depression. It’s always something, but I hope I can start loosing weight soon. I’m going to start training and I hope it goes well, I want to be thin again. Well thinner at least, just that would do so much for me.

But there most have been some form of comfort in my life? Yes, I found comfort in videogames at an early age, its always been the constant thing in my life. Even when I didn’t have any friends I always had my games, that’s why videogames are so important and such a big part of my life. It is not just a hobby, I think of it as a big savior for me. It was a world I could turn to, it was a better world, to be a hero with friends who cares deeply for him. Cartoons and TV-shows was also a world I could escape too, and I still love cartoons today and watch as much anime as I can. Sure it wasn’t a solution, but it was what I had and still have. But perhaps people can understand why I post so much about games and I’ll continue to do so. Music has and is also a big part of my life, especially metal. It has given me power to carry on and fight, even if nothing works out for you. Never give up. I’ve been close to ending my life, I’ve had two failed attempts at ending it. I’m not sure I’ve even told my friends about that, but now you’ll know…

There has been a lot of other stuff I’ve had to deal with and the stuff I’ve written so far only covers 4 years of school life. There are 5 more years of school, problems, being bullied and thoughts of suicide. Then we have all the time outside of school and the years after it, the stuff I’ve had to deal with there. I don’t think I’ll go into any of that, at least not now. Just writing this brings back so many bad memories that I’m sitting here crying right now as I type this. Even with my life and the stuff I’ve had to endure, my life hasn’t been one big problem filled one. I’ve made friends, who I hope will always be there. I’ve gotten a job that has helped me get on my feet and be able to live without anyones help. It may sound like my parents haven’t been a big help for me, but that isn’t true. They have always been there, perhaps not always in the way I needed them to be. But despite what anyone thinks, nobody knows what we’ve gone through. Both good and bad stuff, so don’t judge.

I’ll just wrap this up by thanking all the people in my life, thank you for you are part of it. Friends, family and all those few individuals who has stayed with me and I hope you will stay with me. Even with all my problems, even the ones I can’t control. But hopefully you’ll know why it’s like that now, or at least try to understand. I have to stop writing now, it’s just to damn hard and I’m still sitting here with tears in my eyes and a bunch of bad memories bubbling up. Future posts will be much, much happier posts. Now that I’ve got this crap out of the way.

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