It’s that time again. Time to hate on myself and feel bad.
Well not only feel bad, I feel like I am all alone. But then again I always feel like that, that nobody really wants to be with me.
Like I’m a pain to be with, someone your ashamed to be with. Or rather someone you don’t want to be seen with. Like people are only friendly with me to be polite, the is no other reason. I have felt like this for the longest time and I can’t shake this feeling and its eating me up. And people don’t it isn’t so, is not going to make me feel better, because I will still feel like shit.
It is n times like these I don’t want to go out at all, I just want to hide away In my apartment and ignore the world. But at the same time I just want to get away.
And because of my overweight I hardly want to go out and do stuff, I’m afraid the people who are with me are disgusted with me and don’t really want to be seen with me. So I’ve cancelled a few planned trips with my friend because of this. I hate myself for not being or getting motivated enought to change my fucking life, when I get pumped and want to change my thoughts quickly charge to darker thoughts where I but myself down hard.
I can’t say how many times I’ve thought about cutting into my fat, ”Just cut it off Micke. Then it will be fine. Cut of the disgusting fat.”
I don’t think anyone really understands how serious of a toll this is taking on me and like the fucking idiot I am, I just cover it with jokes and fake smiles. Smile and wave Micke, smile and wave. Everything’s okay. And then I do something stupid thatI really didn’t want to do, but did bebause of a fucking impulse I can’t control and after that I feel like people hate me more.
I wish my motivation was higher, but since I feel like I don’t have any support either I’m just wandering around aimlessly. I know the only one who can get this together is me, but it’s hard to change or get your shit together, when yo feel like what’s the point.
Thoughts and feelings like this take up about 70% of my daily life and I’m so sick of it. I’m tired of feeling left out, I’m tired of feeling like nobody wants to be with me.
I’m tired of myself, I’m tired of everything. A lot of whining I know.
Guess I’m at least good at that.
I feel like I’m the only one who gets hyped for things, at least let it show in my group of friends. I feel like I have no one to talk about the games I like or other stuff I like.
It’s more akward when I bring up stuff like that, at least that’s the impression I get.
So it just adds to my feelings of feeling left out. I dunno… I just feel alone. All the time.
For the last two days I have not been feeling well. An even now I am feeling down, it happens when I am alone… And especially when I am waiting for something, like I am waiting for Tales of Xillia to get released…
You can think what the hell you want, I for one aren’t enjoying this. I hate that I can’t control this. I hate that a simple thing as waiting for highly anticipated game can bring me down like this. And when this spiral of emotions start to spin, the bad stuff from the past comes back. I just wish more of my friends could try to understand how much stuff like this really effects me. But some of them don’t seem to give a flying fuck or try to understand.
Ugh. Well on one better bit my friend ZX-Omega and I went to Åhus to eat ice cream yesterday (Tuesday). I really needed to get out and away from myself. I am so thankful to you for that. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one who does get me or at least tries. Thank you for being there.
Today (Wednesday) was a somewhat better day. Not a super good one, but better. And I hope it will only get better from here. Sorry for all the damn rambling. I just needed to get those thoughts out of my head. Next post will be a more happy one..
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Tags: Alone, Depression, Down, Friends, Thoughts
Its been a little more than a week now since I moved into my own apartment and I gotta say, I really do love it! Its quite, peaceful, just like I’ve always wanted it to be.
And I can do just about what I want, it such a good feeling. I really can’t express in words how happy I am over this, best thing that has happened this year with out a doubt.
Ahh!! It feels so good to be able to smile and feel happy again. Something I haven’t been able to do/feel in a long time.
I’ve been working hard the past weeks also, I was glad when they asked me to be one of four people who could take care of a very important client for the company. They could just as easily have given another one of my colleagues But still, they could easily have taken someone with more experience, but they trusted me and wanted to give me this chance. This won’t hurt my chances of getting a permanent job there either, so I’m hoping for the future.
Since I finally could hook up my TV and Playstation 3 again, I’ve been playing Trinity Universe as much as I can. I’ve had some pretty good times with it, love the humor in the game. Loving the active animations portraits in the game, music is pretty awesome to.
The battle system is the only thing I wish they spent more time with, but I stil enjoy the game. I’ll have to see what I really think of the game once I have finished it, well at least have finished the Devil Dog King’s story of the game. If I like it I’ll continue with the Valkyrie’s story in the game.