Sick and tired of me…

It’s that time again. Time to hate on myself and feel bad.
Well not only feel bad, I feel like I am all alone. But then again I always feel like that, that nobody really wants to be with me.
Like I’m a pain to be with, someone your ashamed to be with. Or rather someone you don’t want to be seen with. Like people are only friendly with me to be polite, the is no other reason. I have felt like this for the longest time and I can’t shake this feeling and its eating me up. And people don’t it isn’t so, is not going to make me feel better, because I will still feel like shit.
It is n times like these I don’t want to go out at all, I just want to hide away In my apartment and ignore the world. But at the same time I just want to get away.

And because of my overweight I hardly want to go out and do stuff, I’m afraid the people who are with me are disgusted with me and don’t really want to be seen with me. So I’ve cancelled a few planned trips with my friend because of this. I hate myself for not being or getting motivated enought to change my fucking life, when I get pumped and want to change my thoughts quickly charge to darker thoughts where I but myself down hard.
I can’t say how many times I’ve thought about cutting into my fat, “Just cut it off Micke. Then it will be fine. Cut of the disgusting fat.”
I don’t think anyone really understands how serious of a toll this is taking on me and like the fucking idiot I am, I just cover it with jokes and fake smiles. Smile and wave Micke, smile and wave. Everything’s okay. And then I do something stupid thatI really didn’t want to do, but did bebause of a fucking impulse I can’t control and after that I feel like people hate me more.

I wish my motivation was higher, but since I feel like I don’t have any support either I’m just wandering around aimlessly. I know the only one who can get this together is me, but it’s hard to change or get your shit together, when yo feel like what’s the point.
Thoughts and feelings like this take up about 70% of my daily life and I’m so sick of it. I’m tired of feeling left out, I’m tired of feeling like nobody wants to be with me.
I’m tired of myself, I’m tired of everything. A lot of whining I know.
Guess I’m at least good at that.
I feel like I’m the only one who gets hyped for things, at least let it show in my group of friends. I feel like I have no one to talk about the games I like or other stuff I like.
It’s more akward when I bring up stuff like that, at least that’s the impression I get.
So it just adds to my feelings of feeling left out. I dunno… I just feel alone. All the time.

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