I’m almost at level 32!

I don’t know why, but lately everything just seems so bleak. I have it pretty good right now, but still I can’t seem to be happy. I’m just constantly being held back and drawn back to those older dark times. If I just could let go and forget, I would! It’s not that easy, people who has never experienced depression can’t understand this feeling. It’s not so easy to just, hey get a grip. So if you have comments like that, keep them to yourself. You are helping no one.
I hate feeling like this, I wonder if it’s because I hate myself? I hate what I am. I want to loose weight and get fit, but the motivation leaves me as soon as I get it. I hate my body, I hate it for my psoriasis, but mostly I hate that I can’t get anything done. Like with the motivation, I wish I could hold on to it and get something done. I feel so apathetic at times, I just lie and stare into a wall of the roof instead of doing something productive.

Well at least I got some of that out of head, tomorrow will surely bring some more fun. My work is arranging a bowling activity for us workers, so I’m going to that. But I’m not bowling tomorrow, it still hurts a bit from my operation. So I’ll be sitting it out, but it’s just fun to get out and hey! We get free good, so I can’t complain about that. When I get home I’m going to sit down and watch Sony’s press conference that they are having tomorrow, so don’t spoil anything for me, okay?

And like all or at least most gamers know, when we talk about level up it’s of course a birthday we are talking about. And mine is just around the corner, it’s my birthday tomorrow too. I will probably not be celebrating it, but then again I’d like to do something with my friends. But I’m not sure.
Last year was probably the best birthday in ages and I received one of my most precious belongings. you can read it here. That was also the first time in a very long time, I haven’t hated a birthday. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike getting older. It’s just that birthdays for me has never been especially happy, same with Christmas. So that’s why I really don’t care about them.
So we’ll see what happens, but for now I think I’ll just go to bed or something.

4 responses on I’m almost at level 32!

  1. Sorry to hear you feel bad, and that you hate yourself. :( I wish there was something I could do, like give a peptalk or something. But I guess the best thing I can do is tell you that I understand. I don’t like myself much either and I demand a lot from myself. I try hard to be the best I can be and still I feel inadequate.

    I don’t know what the secret is, I don’t know how to love oneself. Like a friend recently told me, you have to find your happiness, and although I understand it completely, it seems like an impossible task. The world is not made for everyone to find their own happiness, it’s mostly about conforming to some norm.

    Anyways, I hope you had a great birthday this year too. I wish I could send you some motivation, but I guess it’s hard. If we were neighbors or something, it would be easier to help out, go for walks and keeping active.

    Happy belated birtyday and have a great gaming-winter. :)

  2. Oh and now I’ve added you to my links list. Sorry it took so long, I know I talked to you about it before. Better late than never, I guess. ^^;;;;

  3. @ Lania:
    Yeah, it’s not easy to love yourself. I understand it, but it hard to do. Of course we would like to be happy, we just need to find what it is and that’s not an easy thing. Especially when you always feel like you are not worth anything…

    The birthday was okay, I just sat around and played Tales of Zestiria. I didn’t want to do much else to be honest.
    Yeah, stuff like that would be great. It would probably be easier to keep the motivation in check to if you could to those stuff more often with friends.

    I most say I’m a bit ashamed of myself too, I had missed to place a link to your site under my links menu. But that has been fixed. =)

  4. @ Micke:
    Oh thanks! :D Glad that we’re link-buddies again. :)

    Yeah, motivation is hard… I used to go swimming four times a week a year ago. But then things happen and you lose your energy and you just wanna sleep instead.

    Since I’m not close by, is there anything I can do to help you with motivation and such otherwise?

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