Why do I have to feel?

A few days ago I discovered something I wish I hadn’t, I realized that I still seem to have feelings for a girl I went to the same class with in school. She was not interested in me in anyway and I didn’t make any more advances on her. And I fell into depression at the time, I couldn’t stop think about her. Well, life goes on and I’ve been thinking about her from time to time. Then one day while I was working, I saw a girl that reminded me of her. It wasn’t her, but that’s when I started to hurt… I realized I still felt something for her.
Is that even possible? I could never stop thinking about her in the past, she is also to date the only girl I’ve had feelings for. I haven’t met anyone that made me feel like I did back then.

I haven’t seen her in years and my feelings seemed to be just as strong as before, but she rejected me horribly. And it made school even more awkward for me. Like I didn’t have trouble with other shit, then this came along and made stuff worse. It just feels weird to have feelings for this girl, I had let all feelings go and turned stone cold. So why the hell am I feeling stuff now? I really don’t understand human emotions well and this is just confusing me.
I had hoped to get more out than this, but I have a really hard time expressing myself when it comes to opening up my feelings. I’ve kept all kinds of feelings bottled up, I couldn’t cry in the past. But know I can cry for the tiniest thing, its so damn weird. I’m oversensitive…

She was my first love and seems to be just about the only love I’ve had. 15 years or so has passed since I last saw her and I have never met anyone or even gotten the feeling of loving someone. The thing is I’m not a believer of love and stuff like that, but still I feel this way. Yeah… A lot of ramblings this time, but I needed to get some of it of my chest.

4 responses on Why do I have to feel?

  1. Ouch.
    I don’t understand human emotions either.

    All we can do is to at least try and learn some of them. Experience is king, life is just like another RPG. You gain life experience and then you level up and you get a better(hopefully) class. :)

    I hope you can drop those feelings soon dood.

  2. @Kristoffer
    Yeah, I hope so too man. Not that they are bothering me, its more surprising that I would feel anything for someone I haven’t seen in 15 years. And still haven’t seen, and belongs to a past I so desperately want to forget.
    Well, I’ll survive. ^^

  3. Sometimes feelings intensify through rejection. As horrible as it sounds, I’ve been there myself many years ago and perhaps that’s what you are experiencing?

    Also, maybe feelings like this are resurfacing now because she was out of reach to you, and now you are experiencing things that you thought were unobtainable to you before. (I am talking about work and your own apartment.) But those things DID happen, and maybe the deepest parts of your mind is hoping that something will happen with that girl.

    But, 15 years is a long time and it means that you were only but a child when you met her and got rejected. I’m guessing you’re not around girls that much, and so it is much easier to get stuck in the past. I do hope that you will be able to move on because time does heal all wounds, even though it may not feel like it sometimes. :) *hugs*

  4. @Lania
    That could be the case, that I’m experiencing these feelings because of things that was out of reach before, but has happened. I’ve been thinking about that myself.

    But I also think, it could be that I’ve never had any good contact with girls. But through work, I just about only work with women. So I think that has some factor to it, that I’m getting better at talking with women and not really freak out. Like I could in the past. I’ve always had “torg skräck” (can remember the english name for it) and I’ve always had a hard time speaking with people, even more so with women. Its getting better, but It will never disappear.

    I never actually thought much about her until I started working, so I guess something at work triggered it. Or its just what I said above, because I work with more women now and can talk to them more easy. I dunno, emotions are strange to me. I have a hard time cooping with them. But I’m positive it will get better and probably somewhere out there in this big wide world, I’ll find someone to love too. ^^

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