For once its not a post of videogames, I have to make one of these from time to time. I have been thinking a whole lot about this in the past weeks and now I just have to get it out of my system.
They say love is powerful and can be magical, it a wonderful and awesome thing. But how do you handle love when you don’t understand it? There are a lot of people, if not all who doesn’t understand love. But for me with my problems of not understanding my emotions, this is extra hard. I think I’ve been in love once, it was a long long time ago. I was just a kid in middle school (lågstadiet) and there was this girl I like no loved I think. I felt something really strong for her, something I’ve never felt about anyone else. But she ruined me, she made it impossible for me to feel anything like that again. I’m afraid, her reply to my love letter I wrote (I’m coming to it) has really fucked me up good. This together with being bullied in most of my school years made me close of what emotions I had. And now about 15-16 years later I still can’t seem to unravel my emotions, they are fucked up.
Well yeah, as any person who is afraid to confront someone directly I wrote a sappy love letter. Along the line of, “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Just seeing you makes me happy and brightens my day.” Stuff like that, nothing in appropriate or hurtful. So after much debating on how to give it to her, I put it in her locker. And here is the part where went straight to hell. She found the letter, I didn’t write is was from me. But her reaction to reading it is that she starts crying. Not happy crying, but hurtful disgusted crying. Her friends asked me if I wrote it, being in shock of that reaction from her I said no. But they apparently knew, so already being the “weird” kid with hobbies like no one else had and having a hard time, things got worse.
No girl in my entire class would speak to me anymore. Can you even imagine what that did to a little kid? A kid who already had problems he didn’t understand and could deal with. Now had to suffer through this shit too?! I really regret writing that letter, its made my life terrible and I’m afraid to trust and love people.
Some say I should get over it since it happened long ago. True, but how do you fix something like this? I have been scared of women ever since, I’m afraid to get close and talk because I think I’ll get rejected. I have some really great female friends right now, but I have this constant fear of loosing their friendship. If I show who I am, they will all leave. But then again, I have that fear even when it comes to my male friends.
The reason why I can understand feeling well is because I have a diagnose. I can flip out at times when I get to excited. I have problems with concentration and knowing what I feel and how to react to it. There are probably more stuff that I don’t know about, but I might make a post about that later. So people might understand me better.
This is also one of the main reasons I hide my fears when talking about women with my friends. I can get very sexual in those talks, but that’s the scared little boy talking. I don’t want to let people in, since I’m afraid and I don’t know how to handle it. Like Elza from Disney’s Frozen I “Conceal, don’t feel. Put on a show”. So I cover it up with crude humor and stuff, my friends now how I can be. But know they’ll also know why, I have actually never told them before.
So how as a 30 year old do you deal with this? I’m to afraid to try and meet someone. I’m afraid they’ll leave when they get to know the real me. I’m a videogame, anime loving person, who also suffer from social phobia and are afraid of being rejected by everyone.
Well this turned out to be a long post, but it feels better having gotten some of it out. Just writing it here make it feel a bit better, but it doesn’t take away the problem. But hopefully I deal with them slowly. I apologize if there are a lot of misspellings and stuff, I’m writing this from my mobile. So I’ll have to clean it up later, I just wanted to get this out.
And just when I think I can be a bit happy, something else turns around and bites me in the ass. As usuall. I’m so sick and tired of always have to comprimize things. I don’t know how much more I have to take before its enough!
If it ever will be enough. Yeah, as you guessed something has happned. =P
I just want to went out my rage, I don’t feel like talking about it, because talking won’t make it better or go away. Its time like this I just want everything to end. Now. No more pain and suffering. Fuck it all.
Have you ever had a headache that doesn’t hurt that much, but makes you feel like shit? I had one of those yesterday. My head didn’t hurt much, but I got dizzy feelt like I was gonna throw up and just feeling like the end was near. One moment I was freezing, the other I was hot. It was a strange experience. But it was probably just some fever that that was leaving my body. Still it feelt so strange. So I went to bead real early yesterday, since I had no power left, but when I woke up I feelt like brand new. Wow, I don’t think I’ve feelt that good in a long time. I actually feelt like doing a bunch of stuff. Like starting to play The Legend of Dragon. But didn’t since I had to get up and go to school.
So I’ll probably get something played today. No changes with the PS3 sadly.
If all goes as I hope (and when do things ever go liked planned?)
December or January are the preliminary months for a new one. And it seems like I will be able to meet Kntheking this year! Which I didn’t think would be possible. If nothing changes, November sometime I’ll be going to visit. Looking forward to come out abit and see more than just plain old Kristianstad. =P
Well now I gotta get back so school. Get back on working my new logo that is. Haha, like there is anything else to do here. See ya all later. <3