What is love? Baby, you hurt me.

For once its not a post of videogames, I have to make one of these from time to time. I have been thinking a whole lot about this in the past weeks and now I just have to get it out of my system.

They say love is powerful and can be magical, it a wonderful and awesome thing. But how do you handle love when you don’t understand it? There are a lot of people, if not all who doesn’t understand love. But for me with my problems of not understanding my emotions, this is extra hard. I think I’ve been in love once, it was a long long time ago. I was just a kid in middle school (lågstadiet) and there was this girl I like no loved I think. I felt something really strong for her, something I’ve never felt about anyone else. But she ruined me, she made it impossible for me to feel anything like that again. I’m afraid, her reply to my love letter I wrote (I’m coming to it) has really fucked me up good. This together with being bullied in most of my school years made me close of what emotions I had. And now about 15-16 years later I still can’t seem to unravel my emotions, they are fucked up.

Well yeah, as any person who is afraid to confront someone directly I wrote a sappy love letter. Along the line of, ”You are the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Just seeing you makes me happy and brightens my day.” Stuff like that, nothing in appropriate or hurtful. So after much debating on how to give it to her, I put it in her locker. And here is the part where went straight to hell. She found the letter, I didn’t write is was from me. But her reaction to reading it is that she starts crying. Not happy crying, but hurtful disgusted crying. Her friends asked me if I wrote it, being in shock of that reaction from her I said no. But they apparently knew, so already being the ”weird” kid with hobbies like no one else had and having a hard time, things got worse.
No girl in my entire class would speak to me anymore. Can you even imagine what that did to a little kid? A kid who already had problems he didn’t understand and could deal with. Now had to suffer through this shit too?! I really regret writing that letter, its made my life terrible and I’m afraid to trust and love people.

Some say I should get over it since it happened long ago. True, but how do you fix something like this? I have been scared of women ever since, I’m afraid to get close and talk because I think I’ll get rejected. I have some really great female friends right now, but I have this constant fear of loosing their friendship. If I show who I am, they will all leave. But then again, I have that fear even when it comes to my male friends.
The reason why I can understand feeling well is because I have a diagnose. I can flip out at times when I get to excited. I have problems with concentration and knowing what I feel and how to react to it. There are probably more stuff that I don’t know about, but I might make a post about that later. So people might understand me better.

This is also one of the main reasons I hide my fears when talking about women with my friends. I can get very sexual in those talks, but that’s the scared little boy talking. I don’t want to let people in, since I’m afraid and I don’t know how to handle it. Like Elza from Disney’s Frozen I ”Conceal, don’t feel. Put on a show”. So I cover it up with crude humor and stuff, my friends now how I can be. But know they’ll also know why, I have actually never told them before.

So how as a 30 year old do you deal with this? I’m to afraid to try and meet someone. I’m afraid they’ll leave when they get to know the real me. I’m a videogame, anime loving person, who also suffer from social phobia and are afraid of being rejected by everyone.
Well this turned out to be a long post, but it feels better having gotten some of it out. Just writing it here make it feel a bit better, but it doesn’t take away the problem. But hopefully I deal with them slowly. I apologize if there are a lot of misspellings and stuff, I’m writing this from my mobile. So I’ll have to clean it up later, I just wanted to get this out.

Ar Tonelico Qoga cleared!

Since Playstation Network came back and I could sync my PS3 slim with my PSN account, I’ve been playing Ar Tonelico Qoga like a madman!! This is also my 50th Playstation 3 game I’ve finished. I’m glad a JRPG took that spot. So what can I say about the game? It has its ups and downs, and I think I’m fairly pleased with it.
Even if the older games are better, this was the best of the two Gust games I’ve played this generation, I feel much more satisfied with this game than I ever did with Atelier Rorona. It took me about 37 hours to complete and there is still a bunch of stuff to do. If I want to do all the extra stuff that is, but I’m gonna save that for some other time.

Well, I’m heading off to bed now and when I wake up, I’m gonna give No More Heroes: Heroes’ Paradise a shot. Looking forward to see what I’ll be thinking of that. Now I’m gonna go dream of my wonderful Saki and be happy since I got her best ending in AT Qoga. Yay! (Saki is the one to the right)

Why do I have to feel?

A few days ago I discovered something I wish I hadn’t, I realized that I still seem to have feelings for a girl I went to the same class with in school. She was not interested in me in anyway and I didn’t make any more advances on her. And I fell into depression at the time, I couldn’t stop think about her. Well, life goes on and I’ve been thinking about her from time to time. Then one day while I was working, I saw a girl that reminded me of her. It wasn’t her, but that’s when I started to hurt… I realized I still felt something for her.
Is that even possible? I could never stop thinking about her in the past, she is also to date the only girl I’ve had feelings for. I haven’t met anyone that made me feel like I did back then.

I haven’t seen her in years and my feelings seemed to be just as strong as before, but she rejected me horribly. And it made school even more awkward for me. Like I didn’t have trouble with other shit, then this came along and made stuff worse. It just feels weird to have feelings for this girl, I had let all feelings go and turned stone cold. So why the hell am I feeling stuff now? I really don’t understand human emotions well and this is just confusing me.
I had hoped to get more out than this, but I have a really hard time expressing myself when it comes to opening up my feelings. I’ve kept all kinds of feelings bottled up, I couldn’t cry in the past. But know I can cry for the tiniest thing, its so damn weird. I’m oversensitive…

She was my first love and seems to be just about the only love I’ve had. 15 years or so has passed since I last saw her and I have never met anyone or even gotten the feeling of loving someone. The thing is I’m not a believer of love and stuff like that, but still I feel this way. Yeah… A lot of ramblings this time, but I needed to get some of it of my chest.