I’m almost at level 32!

I don’t know why, but lately everything just seems so bleak. I have it pretty good right now, but still I can’t seem to be happy. I’m just constantly being held back and drawn back to those older dark times. If I just could let go and forget, I would! It’s not that easy, people who has never experienced depression can’t understand this feeling. It’s not so easy to just, hey get a grip. So if you have comments like that, keep them to yourself. You are helping no one.
I hate feeling like this, I wonder if it’s because I hate myself? I hate what I am. I want to loose weight and get fit, but the motivation leaves me as soon as I get it. I hate my body, I hate it for my psoriasis, but mostly I hate that I can’t get anything done. Like with the motivation, I wish I could hold on to it and get something done. I feel so apathetic at times, I just lie and stare into a wall of the roof instead of doing something productive.

Well at least I got some of that out of head, tomorrow will surely bring some more fun. My work is arranging a bowling activity for us workers, so I’m going to that. But I’m not bowling tomorrow, it still hurts a bit from my operation. So I’ll be sitting it out, but it’s just fun to get out and hey! We get free good, so I can’t complain about that. When I get home I’m going to sit down and watch Sony’s press conference that they are having tomorrow, so don’t spoil anything for me, okay?

And like all or at least most gamers know, when we talk about level up it’s of course a birthday we are talking about. And mine is just around the corner, it’s my birthday tomorrow too. I will probably not be celebrating it, but then again I’d like to do something with my friends. But I’m not sure.
Last year was probably the best birthday in ages and I received one of my most precious belongings. you can read it here. That was also the first time in a very long time, I haven’t hated a birthday. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike getting older. It’s just that birthdays for me has never been especially happy, same with Christmas. So that’s why I really don’t care about them.
So we’ll see what happens, but for now I think I’ll just go to bed or something.

Tags: Birthday, Bowling, Depression, Disappointing, Games, Level up, Rant, Sony, Yazuka

700 posts and a birthday

This is my 700th post on my site! Woo! I started writing in August 2006 and I did so, to keep my mind of other things. And I wanted to have some kind of record of what I did at those times, so yeah its like a diary. I would love to write more than I’ve done in the past year, but it is getting harder and harder to write about stuff that interest me. Since I’m not always sure how to express myself, in certain circumstances but I write for me, that’s enough. =)

And on Monday I turn 31! Heh. And a couple of years ago I didn’t think I would live to be 25. Why? Depression and suicide thoughts filled my head, I just wanted stuff to end. While I’m not in that place anymore, I would lie if I said that those thoughts has popped up. When my depression is at its worst, I go to a really dark place sometimes. Nothing has happened and nothing probably will, but people need to understand its hard and just “cheer up” doesn’t fucking work. Either way, I will probably not celebrate birthday this year either. Yeah, it wasn’t supposed to be a dark post, but yeah it just came out as I was typing this.
I’ll be getting myself a present at least, but I won’t be able to get it before next month. And its a PlayStation TV with Tales of Hearts R, that’s what I’m getting myself and I’m looking forward to it! Can’t wait to play Tales of Hearts R. Might try to get a game this month too, if I can afford it. I’m thinking about The Walking Dead Season 2 and The Legend of Korra, but I’m not quite sure yet…

Looking forward to this weekend too, since me and Elden will be resuming our “scary movie” marathon. We’ll be watching some movies with Jeffrey Combs, so I’m looking forward to that. Then we’ll see if there is time to watch other stuff. What would you recommend watching?

Tags: Birthday, Halloween, Jeffrey Combs, PlayStation TV, PSVita, Tales of Hearts R

Depression, birthday and horror movies

I get a bit sad that I don’t write as much as I did before, since it is something I really enjoy. But as long as I’m writing something I’m good. Things have been weird for a while, like I’ve fallen into depression and I’m not really sure where to turn or what go do. And sometimes I get the feeling that I am not myself, I can’t explain it well. Like I’m trapped or something looking out from someone else’s eyes, hm… Now y’all probably think I’m crazy too.

There have been some highlights though. A friend from England came to visit and that was nice, we only see him once a year but it is fun and I hope he enjoys it too. Disappointed they never came over to my place, but what can you do? :/

Tried cheering up another friend who was feeling down, only to fall into depression myself and had to use medication again. I hate taking pills. But its starting to get better, but it will take a while before I am back to the old me. I’ve gotten inFAMOUS: First Light for the PlayStation 4, but I’ve hardly touched it. I hope fix that problem under this week. But I have played Muramasa Rebirth for PlayStation Vita and it was pretty nice. Can’t say it was anything spectacular, but it was nice. As usually I am waiting for Tales of Hears R and a few other games, we’ll see which I’ll be able go get.

Would love to go see Dracula Untold when it premiers, but I don’t have the cash for that now sadly. In the passing weekend me and Elden continued with our yearly tradition with watching monster/horror/scary movies in October, like many others do.
We saw Horns, The Howling and The Mist. God I love The Mist. In our upcoming movie viewing we are having a Jeffrey Combs days. We will at least watch From Beyond, Beyond Reanimator and The Frighteners. We have some other stuff to check out also, but right now I can’t remember any of them. Typical.

Oh, yeah. I’ve also done some upgrading to the “Games I’ve beaten” section, more work will be done on it later. But just about every console had their own section right now, a few consoles will share. And to finish things off today, I just wanted to say my birthday is on the 27th October hopefully it will be a good day. Just take it easy and relax, I’m not 25 anymore.

Tags: Beaten, Birthday, Games, Halloween, InFAMOUS, Movies, Muramasa, Scary, Site, Update

I’m 30 now!

So today I turned 30 and it feels good. Nothing different about it, I’m just pleased I got my own home and job before I turned 30. So it’s good, good, good!
I was treated to a delicious meal by my good friend Recluse yesterday, it was a very good chicken curry stew. Loved it! And to be able to share that with some of my best friends was awesome, best birthday present I could have gotten.
If it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t even care about gifts, I’m giving myself a PlayStation 4 next month that’s more than enough. Sure, I wouldn’t say no to gifts but they are not important.

So far today I’ve been out and got groceries, got toilet paper (it’s important!) and done the laundry. Now I’m just going to take it easy and relax and enjoy the day. See if I decide to play something or just watch a movie, I feel like I want to do something. But I’m not quite sure what. Hopefully I’ll find something to do.

Tags: Birthday, Food, Friends, Laundry, Me, Yazuka

One more week…

Just one more week until I turn 30! Awesome or something. I plan to spend next Saturday (the day before my birthday) with a couple of friends. Getting treated to dinner and I never say no to a free dinner, no sir. Otherwise I am not going to celebrate this year, I don’t feel the need to. Sure, I’ll probably make a post about it here and such. But I won’t be inviting people over and all that, let the people who think that’s fun do that. I’d rather do something that makes me feel better, so hanging out with friends or playing videogames.

If you have missed it, my review for Disgaea D2: A Brighter Darkness is now up on PSSverige. So head over there and check it out! It was a good game, perhaps not all what I had hoped but still good. I hope I can pick up a bit of Kingdom Hearts 1HD again tomorrow, I haven’t played it for a while now. So I’ll see if I feel more like it tomorrow. I’d rather be playing Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep HD to be honest, I’ve been interested in that game for some time and I’m glad it will be getting an HD port.

And we are now 40 days away from the PlayStation 4 release here in Europe, I’m starting to feel a bit hyped now. Hopefully these days will go by fast and before I know it, I’ll be sitting there with my PS4. Sure there are still a bunch of games coming for PlayStation 3 that I am going to get, but I want to be out and among the first this time. I haven’t been able to get a console at launch since GameCube, I just want to be a part of that. And it’s going to be nice to be able to use the DualShock 4 controller on the PC, right out of the box. That’s something I really like, since I have been thinking of trying certain games on my PC. But I have lacked a controller I feel really comfortable with and I want to play some emulators too.

Well more chit chat at a later date, now I have to try to get some sleep if the coughing will let me sleep. I’m going back to work tomorrow, so we’ll see how that works. I just hope the coughing will end soon, feels like it’s killing me. Goddamn it.

Tags: Birthday, Disgaea, Friends, Games, Kingdom Hearts, PlayStation 4, Yazuka

Turning 30 in two months…

Yeah, it is hard to believe in just a little more than two months I’ll be turning 30. Can’t say that it feels different from turning 29 and I doubt it will feel different at all. I’m not worried about having a crisis when I turn 30, I’ve had to much shit happen in my life to be downed or flip-out because I’m getting older. I’ve managed to get an apartment and a job and I love both, even if I want a bigger apartment. I am checking around to try and find something, so we’ll see when something shows up. If I must wish for something I would only like cash, there is nothing else I need.
Not really true, but its easier and more appreciated. I just hope it will be a good day and I’ll see if I even bother to celebrate it. I really don’t see the point in stuff like that anymore. Birthdays, Christmas and all holidays. Ehh..

Even if things are better than they where in the past, I still can’t seem to shake my depressions and sometimes I still down and don’t have the strength to do anything at all. Sadly this is what I am feeling now and when I am like this I take everything as something bad directed at me if its written in text. Or if I am ignored when I try to reach out to get contact. And as I am now texting me is okay, but I don’t want to talk on the phone. Just hoping this will pass over soon, I hate feeling like this. I started writing this when I didn’t feel so good and I have rewritten this a couple of times already and I realize I didn’t feel so so good from the start. Forcing feelings and thoughts out in the open by typing them, sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t, even if I deleted them afterwards so others couldn’t see.
I just hate having this feeling of being dead-inside and the feeling of being abandoned.

I was really hoping to write a more positive post today, but it really didn’t turn out so good did it? Guess I’ll go offline now and try to occupy myself with something to stop thinking about stuff. Thinking of updating my profile here on the site later on, to describe more of my illness and why I am so depressed and down at times. So hopefully more people can understand, at least my friends. Next time I really hope I can do a big happy update.

Tags: Birthday, Depression, Feelings, Me, Yazuka

One year older today!

I’ve turned 29 today. Yay, yay and all that. Or something. Do not feel older or different, just like always. Just wanted to get that out of my system, I’m hoping my next posts will be a bit happier than the last few posts here.
Thanks to all the people who has wish me an happy birthday.

Tags: Birthday, Me, Micke, Yazuka