Turning 30 in two months…

Yeah, it is hard to believe in just a little more than two months I’ll be turning 30. Can’t say that it feels different from turning 29 and I doubt it will feel different at all. I’m not worried about having a crisis when I turn 30, I’ve had to much shit happen in my life to be downed or flip-out because I’m getting older. I’ve managed to get an apartment and a job and I love both, even if I want a bigger apartment. I am checking around to try and find something, so we’ll see when something shows up. If I must wish for something I would only like cash, there is nothing else I need.
Not really true, but its easier and more appreciated. I just hope it will be a good day and I’ll see if I even bother to celebrate it. I really don’t see the point in stuff like that anymore. Birthdays, Christmas and all holidays. Ehh..

Even if things are better than they where in the past, I still can’t seem to shake my depressions and sometimes I still down and don’t have the strength to do anything at all. Sadly this is what I am feeling now and when I am like this I take everything as something bad directed at me if its written in text. Or if I am ignored when I try to reach out to get contact. And as I am now texting me is okay, but I don’t want to talk on the phone. Just hoping this will pass over soon, I hate feeling like this. I started writing this when I didn’t feel so good and I have rewritten this a couple of times already and I realize I didn’t feel so so good from the start. Forcing feelings and thoughts out in the open by typing them, sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t, even if I deleted them afterwards so others couldn’t see.
I just hate having this feeling of being dead-inside and the feeling of being abandoned.

I was really hoping to write a more positive post today, but it really didn’t turn out so good did it? Guess I’ll go offline now and try to occupy myself with something to stop thinking about stuff. Thinking of updating my profile here on the site later on, to describe more of my illness and why I am so depressed and down at times. So hopefully more people can understand, at least my friends. Next time I really hope I can do a big happy update.

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